oh fuck

My first infertility consult

I had my infertility appointment this morning. I took my charts I've been keeping since March, and she was pretty surprised to see how prepared I was. My ob/gyn says that based on them, she's confident that I'm ovulating normally. My cycle is slightly irregular, but not enough to indicate any kind of issue on that front. Which is good, but also not so much, because that'd really be the easiest thing to fix.

On Tuesday, I go in to have the creepy probey transvaginal ultrasound to check for polyps and fibroids. I think that also checks for issues on the ovaries too. She also wants me to come in on day 2 or 3 of my period for some bloodwork to look at hormone levels.

If the ultrasound and bloodwork come back normal (or even if the ultrasound shows something wrong) I'll then have the HSG done. The HSG kind of scares me~I know the ultrasound is gonna be quite uncomfortable, but the HSG test consists of pumping contrast solution into my ladybits and taking an x-ray. It checks to see if my fallopian tubes are closed or blocked, and makes you pretty crampy and and stuff for a while afterwards. If the ultrasound and the HSG don't show anything, Zach will have his swimmers checked out. If THAT all comes back normal, my doctor says then she'll put me on Clomid~because if there's nothing physically wrong, making me ovulate more than one egg will up my odds that SOMETHING will get fertilized.

Of course, if the ultrasound shows fibroids or polyps or anything hinky, those will have to be removed laproscopically, but she said we can keep trying without added intervention after that heals.

Ironically enough, she's going on maternity leave in a couple weeks, so she's handing my file over to one of the two doctors in the practice with her. They seem to be just as friendly and dedicated to their job as she is~they're actually the ones she's been seeing, and will be delivering her baby. So I'm not too worried about getting thrown to a new doctor.

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Irritated with Zach, bah. Had he not gotten his truck last year (with its horrible payment of 450 a month) we wouldn't be so strapped for money. Also not helping our financial situation is that we spent the last year pretty much supporting his sister. She paid her own gas and school and such, but groceries and stuff like cat food and litter (that we'd need anyway, but now go through twice as fast) has been on us because she wasn't able (or willing to fight to) get out of her lease back in Iowa. Luckily, July was the last month she had to pay, so she SHOULD be pitching in about 400 bucks a month now, which will definitely help out.

It's just irritating, because he got that truck against my better judgment. Was all "we can still save!" about it, only NOT. Because his promotion ended his overtime pay since he got put on salary. So less money, more expensive truck payment, and feeding 3 adults instead of 2.

I'm also kind of moody hormone-wise, so I'm grouchy anyway. My infertility appointment is in a week, and that's weighing on me pretty heavily. While it ended up being for the best that we didn't get pregnant right away, I've still had some pretty crushing disappointment every month. It didn't help that Zach (rather flippantly) said "Well, I guess it's good we didn't get pregnant earlier!" Because while I understand and agree, it didn't need to be said, and it definitely didn't need to be said in the completely insensitive way he said it.

...and this all got me going tonight because even though we've known about it for months (and I've reminded him often) he still seems surprised at how soon Taryn's wedding is coming up, and the cost of all of it. The driving, the hotel, the presents. I picked a gift from her registry and some lingerie, left it up on my laptop, and told Zach to check it out for his approval, price wise. I left it up for like, 3 days. Asked him, "ok? when can I order it?" and he replied with "next weekend" (this weekend now). I double checked with him again tonight, and he's like, "order what?" He didn't even look! Now he's stewing, like this is coming out of nowhere and he had no clue any of this was coming up. LAME. He just doesn't pay attention when I tell him stuff~or he does, but he doesn't retain ANY of it. He forgets conversations or just doesn't actively listen, so things go in one ear and out the other. It's not a physical or mental problem. He's just careless.

Ugh. Ignore this. I'm being grouchy and he's being a stereotypical guy and it doesn't make for painting either of us in the best light.

tony stark

...cheesy petes

It's been a hell of a fortnight.

Tuesday the 3rd I went to the ER in severe pain at 3 in the morning~not kidney stone level, but pretty close. They ran some bloodwork and my liver functions weren't what they should have been (close though) and my white count was pretty high. They did a CT scan and it showed that my liver was swollen. So the doctor comes in for about 30 seconds, says "You've got a virus and it's making your liver inflamed, here's a prescription for pain, follow up with your general practitioner, come back if it gets worse before your appointment" and left.

So that scared me, because swelling+liver=hepatitis, sometimes mono. And yeah, there's 5 types of hepatitis, but they're all awful and a scary thing to deal with when my job involves small kids. Made a follow up with my doctor (couldn't get me in til Monday the 9th), took my drugs, and called off work for the week (which was WAY less than ideal because Kelli was getting induced Friday the 6th).

Pain came back just as bad Friday, so back to the ER we went. Different doctor this time, re-draws and tests my bloods again. Liver functions look fine, white count only SLIGHTLY elevated. She apologized for the previous doctor scaring the hell out of me unnecessarily, and told me she suspected it was my gallbladder causing the problem, and sent me home.

Follow up with my doctor, he agrees it sounded like a gallbladder problem~most likely, I passed 2 stones (one for each ER visit because of the amount of pain) and ordered an ultrasound. Luckily, the ultrasound didn't show any remaining stones or sludge, so it looks as if I'll be keeping my gallbladder, so that's very very good. I need to change my diet and do my very damn best to prevent any more, because 1-previous stones, kidney or otherwise, increase risk and 2-pregnancy can increase risk.  The idea of getting another stone while pregnant when they can't pump me full of the good stuff is terrifying.

Since I had that week off sick and this one off because KELLI HAD HER BABY (a beautiful darling girl named Lillian Katherine), we decided to go to Tennessee to visit my grandpa and my grandmother and aunt. My aunt has terminal cancer and has somewhere between 3 and 5 months to live, but she seemed to be in really good spirits. She's doing things her way now~they didn't catch the cancer until she was stage 4 already, and she went through a couple rounds of chemo that did nothing but make her feel like shit. So now she's just doing palliative care to make sure she's comfortable and she did a 4,000 mile road trip to visit all her grandkids and have some good times with them while she could.

Grandpa is still outrageous and pervy. Partly because he's 89, partly because he's always been...well, he calls it "a flirt", but it's really sexual harassment. He openly ogles any woman he sees, says completely inappropriate things (like commenting out loud on a random woman's body or outfit, ie "lookit them LEGS!" or "Lookit that back end in the shorts!") and enjoys pinching butts.

We passed a family in the Wal-Mart with a tall husband, average kids, and a woman who was a little person. Grandpa just stared and then said "That man married a midget! That SCOUNDREL!"

I baked him a pie and then cleaned out his fridge~he'll put leftovers or whatever in the fridge and then not eat them, so things go bad and he just waits for his home care aide to take care of it. Ugh.

So yeah. I go back to work after this weekend, SO HAPPY. Very excited to meet Lily and I really miss Ali and Ben.
tony stark

(no subject)

I was still kind of having a rough day today~when I called my dad for father's day, we had a nice chat, and then he told me that the Crazy Cousin had her baby day before yesterday. That on top of being in the 2 week wait and Heidi's news have just kind of had me bummed out all day, and I spent most of the day in the kitchen making meatballs.

But then my phone rang~and I almost didn't answer it, because I didn't really want to talk, but it was Alex, and she's one of my RL friends who is in the loop on the issues we've been having, and I thought it might help. So I answer, and I hear a giggle, and a quiet "Hi Manders. You're pretty cute!" It was her son, Sam! She mentioned wanting to call me, and he wanted to do it and talk to me first~when she asked him what he was going to say to me, he said "I'm going to tell her she's pretty cute". (he also wanted to call his great grandma and tell her to dye her hair, lol). So I talked to Sam for a couple minutes about his day and their new kittens, and he really perked my day up. Then I talked to Alex for a while, and she and John are hoping to make a long weekend trip out here sometime before the end of the year. Which makes me incredibly happy, because I love them to bits, and it makes me sad that we live so far apart. Then they tried to bribe us into coming to their house for Christmas, which actually would be pretty cool, but we see my family so infrequently that it's not really an option.

But yeah; I was in a really mopey mood, and a phone call from an almost-5 year old really helped. Because, worst-case scenario being we just can't have our own, I've got the nanny kids who adore me and I've got Sam. Who wanted to call me to tell me I'm "pretty cute!"

this week, ugh.

So I had 5 days off from work-would have been blissful had my allergies not gotten completely out control. I've been doing benadryl with a decongestant and saline rinses in my nostrils, but it was no longer effective. Ended up at urgent care after a few days of running on 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night and having the swelling and congestion trigger some asthma. Docs gave me a steroid shot, an intense round of oral steroids to take over this week, and Flonase. I can breathe now, yay! And the Flonase smells like roses, it's so weird. I felt an improvement immediately. Neither drug is ideal for pregnancy~Class C drugs, one of those "tell your doctor if you are pregnant or trying to get pregnant" things, but the benefits definitely outweigh the risks considering I'm not actually pregnant yet~I'm in the 2 week wait again.

In other news, I found out my batshit crazy cousin is pregnant. She's a 35 year old hoarder with impulse and anger issues, and if she'd go to a doctor, she'd most likely be diagnosed as bipolar. She's been in jail a couple times for drug stuff and once for assault during one of her impulsively angry destructive times. There is a man in her life. He's been supportive and loved her (from a safe distance) for the past 15 years, but she treats him like crap most of the time. She decided she wanted a baby, but he wasn't good looking enough, so she started banging her 20 year old neighbor's young-20 something boyfriend, because she wanted a "cute baby". My uncle was pissed at her until they found out it was a boy. Crazy cousin is one of three girls~my uncle is the last of his line. Crazy cousin's lovely awesome sister got married and her husband took her last name, but they had 2 little girls and she got her tubes tied. So now that there's a little boy coming to "carry the family name" he'll likely continue to support crazy cousin~she lives in a house he bought for her, pays the majority of her bills, etc. She works part-time at the front desk of a hotel, but that's it.

It frustrates me~because here's a woman who absolutely should NOT be bringing a child into the world. She's unstable and not able to support a child in any way a child would need support. Part of me hopes that this will be what turns her life around, but the realistic part of me knows it won't. So, best case scenario, the awesome cousin (who is estranged from the crazy one for a multitude of reasons but would never blame a baby for it's mother) will end up raising the baby along with her girls. And she is a fantastic mother. I think if this kid has any shot of growing up in a stable environment while staying in the family, it'll be with her.

Writer's Block: If You Build It

Think about your dream home. Tell us -- where is it, what does it look like, and what's always stocked inside?

A big kitchen with a center island, large pantry, and copious counter and cabinet space.
4 good sized bedrooms, 2 full baths with tubs, a half bath. A room to be a playroom/activity room. Den/library/office type room. Large, open floor plan opening kitchen up to eating area and great room. Full walkout basement with area for zach's workshop and laundry room. Attached oversized. 2 car garage.

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Great news! Ben's not broken. He's got a lot of swelling and bruising, and the doctor said it may take 2 weeks or so to fully heal, but he doesn't need to stay off it or anything. He has to take motrin 3 times a day to help with swelling and pain, but he can do whatever he feels comfortable doing activity wise.
oh fuck

(no subject)

Oh hell. I may have broken Ben's foot in the recliner today. Pinched it really hard in the hinge, broke the skin, immediate swelling and bruising. Called Chris, he had me take Ben to the Dr after I picked Ali up from her school. He met us there right as the Dr was finishing up, so I brought Ali home and Chris stayed to get Ben's foot x-rayed. They should be home in a few hours, but the sooner the better. Hopefully because sooner means there's no break and no need for a cast or anything.

It was an accident, but had I checked to see where his legs were before putting the footrest down (we were snuggling on the loveseat) he wouldn't have gotten pinched. I feel awful about it, but Chris said he knew when he was carrying the new furniture inside one of the kids was gonna get hurt on it. He's just happy nothing got severed.