August 24th, 2012


(no subject)

I thank y'all for your comments and support~as a heads up, the next few posts over the next few weeks will almost certainly be whining, stressing, or general venting of my anxiety and such, so please feel free to competely ignore them :-D

I haven't heard from Dr. O's scheduler to get my surgery scheduled. I have to go in for bloodwork probably Monday or Tuesday (Tuesday would be SO much better, but it has to be day 2 or 3 of my Special Lady Hell, so hopefully that lines up, lol) so while I'm on the hospital campus, I'll pop over to the medical office building and see if I can't speak to someone in person to get the HSG and surgery set up. Not knowing when it'll be is bugging me, mainly because it's the one ting in this situation that I CAN plan. I also need to know so I can let my mom know, she and dad BOTH wanna come up even though the surgery is same-day release.

I've been keeping very busy and distracted during my waking hours~between work and reading LOTS of fanfic, I haven't had a lot of timefor my mind to wander too much, but sleeping is a completely different story. I've had bad dreams every night~mainly the same type, ie the doctor has to remove my entire ovary-there's uncontrollable bleeding and they have to do a hysterectomy-the cysts turn out to be tumors (that one is some crossover from my aunt, I'm sure, even though she didn't have ovarian cancer). Stuff like that that ends up badly and I wake up shaky and scared. So I haven't been sleeping well. Logically, I know these things aren't going to happen, that they are those lightening-strike type odds, but my unconscious brain seems quite intent on dwelling.

But let me say how much of a fan I am of my boss! I tld her about this to give her a heads up (especially since it seems like it'll be short notice once I have a surgery date) and she was ike, "will Zach be able to get off work? My mom can stay with the kids if you need a ride!" So sweet. Also, I'm not worrying so much about making sure it's on a Friday, she's assured me that her mom will watch the kids, so it really shouldn't be an issue to do it on a Wednesday or Thursday if that's what's available.

And once I know when it is and know when my folks are coming, I can set myself deadlines to clean the apartment. My parents are just so very tidy, and like, orderly and dust-free. I always feel like they're gonna white-glove the place. So I'll be vacuuming the air conditioner and scrubbing baseboards and stuff~and even though I HATE cleaning, it'll give me something else to do and actually physically tire me out, so maybe that'll keep me from dreaming.

I'm actually kind of nervous about seeing my dad~I've spoken to my mom quite a bit about how difficult I was finding it to deal with the disappointment every month and stuff, but I never really (and never have really) talked to my dad about personal stuff like this. So I know he KNOWS what's going on, but I haven't told him anything directly, you know? And I get the feeling that I'll probably end up crying quite a bit, and that's incredibly uncomfortable for me~crying is something I do in private. Crying on the phone the other day with my mom was me just utterly failing at keeping my cool until I could get off the phone, so the combination of crying and my parents coming here to actually like, comfort and parent me if a little overwhelming to consider.