shippygrl (shippygrl) wrote,

again, really?

Again, body? We did everything right. I've been keeping meticulous records and doing everything I'm supposed to. I cut back caffeine. I only drink when I'm absolutely certain I'm not pregnant. I'm eating healthy and taking vitamins. And you're still failing to do what you were designed to do. This month you decided to be a funny bitch and start 5 days early. Just early enough to make me hopeful that you were implantation bleeding and start to get really excited for the first time in months. I've been so good these last few months about remaining detached during that two week wait, not allowing myself to be hopeful that you've finally decided to work properly. So by all means, work in such a way that finally gets my hopes up before being all "no way lol gotcha" about it.
I have always, more or less, been able to get the things I really really want. I've worked hard, I've argued and convinced, some things I practically willed into being. This is the first thing I've ever wanted so desperately and have failed so completely thus far to achieve. Because no matter what I do right, this is ultimately not something I can control. We can do everything right, we can wait until summer when the doctor will help us explore other options, but I cannot MAKE my body a willing and hospitable home.
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